useless scribbles

tomorrow one of my first best friends leaves for Arizona to pursue his dreams/career. we used to be extremely close since like 8th grade through high school, kinda fell apart since  then but i still consider him a very good friend. i’m not really sure why we drifted, but we just kinda did. he had a new group of friends that shared more interests with him, i was off doin’ my own thing. that’s life, no hard feelings.

i don’t know how long you’re leaving for, if you’ll be back, or if i’ll ever see you again. however, i wish you the best in your journey. stay focused on the goal and the rest falls into place. just don’t give up on what you want for an unimportant reason. we support you as you leave, and we’re here for you back home if you ever need us. you know how to get ahold of me for any reason.

go out there and get ‘em. show ‘em what you got. i support all of your future endeavors. good luck W.

people need to realize how precious life really is. we need to all realize that any any moment our lives could end. how do you want to be remembered? how do you want to be treated while you live? what do you want to accomplish while you’re alive?

you’re your own man. you have complete control over what you allow to happen in your life. if you don’t like something, don’t do it. if you don’t want something to happen, don’t let it. if you want something, go get it. if you want to change something, fucking make the change. now tell me, how is that so hard?

there comes a time in your life when you man up. you man the fuck up. you realize what you need to do to become a man and you fucking do it. that doesn’t mean that you become some personality-less, stoic man. you still have fun and live your life, but you know what you’re doing and you remain in control of your own life. you understand that life goes on, you can’t cling to many things in life because there will be a day when some of it isn’t there anymore, no matter how badly you want it to remain. you can’t let that destroy you, nor can you let it control your life. you have to live your life knowing that information, but carry on.

life is so short. as cliche as it is, everyone knows that it’s true. it’s fucking short. we need to really just buckle down, figure out what we want out of life, and go for it. we need to stop playing games, stop being immature, stop messing with peoples heads, and live our lives the way we want them to be lived. we need to be the men that can be dependable, mature, and respected.

it’s time to grow up. cut the bullshit, and be a man. things aren’t always going to be pretty, friends will come and go, but if you’re the best that you can be at all times, you’ll adapt. you’ll overcome every challenge in front of you. you’ll handle every task. you’ll live a life worthy of respect. you’ll be proud of who you are and who you’ve become. you’ll learn from your mistakes, and help others out when they’re making mistakes. you’ll do all of these things knowing that you can and have made a difference in the world.

but above all, life goes on.

i absolutely love christmas. i love everything about the season. i love when it’s all snowy. i love how everyone is typically very joyful and happy. i love how generous everyone is. i love all the christmas lights strung up everywhere. it’s all just so pretty to look at. it’s amazing, really.

i wish that my family was more festive. don’t get me wrong, i love my family. my parents have done so much for me, and have had extreme patience with me, especially as a baby with severe food allergies. they’re amazing as well, no matter how much i bitch because they won’t let me do this or that. the big picture still remains that without them, i would have died as a baby. anywho, my family is VERY small. here’s my brief family tree: on my mom’s side: Papa and Mama (Great grandparents, both passed away) had Don, Connie, Judy, Phyllis (Grandma). I don’t know if Don had kids, if he did they’re all older. Judy had a son who passed away a few years ago (He was in his 30s). Judy married Phillip. Connie has 2 daughters, one of which has 2 kids, Cory and Jessie, Jacquelyn is in her 20s. Don lives in Missouri and Conny and company lives in Kentucky. My Grandma and Grandpa Donald (passed away) had 2 kids, Brandy (my mom) and DJ (my uncle). DJ is 27. My mom and Larry (dad) had me. On my dad’s side: I don’t know my great grandparents, but: Grandma Marilyn and Grandpa Steve (passed away) had Larry (dad) and Linda (aunt). Linda married Tony (Uncle) and they don’t have any kids. (They both live in Arizona, along with Grandma Marilyn.) So long story short: only family around here is Mom, Dad, me, Grandma Phyllis, Aunt Judy, Uncle Philip, and Uncle DJ. also, i’m not sure they relation, but my dad’s cousin Jeff married a long time friend of my parents, Moe. Moe has a son, Nick, who serves in the Air Force. Usually the 3 of them come over on holidays, and we go to their house for new years day and celebrate christmas with them then. however, he’s being deployed to Afghanistan to serve our country. my best friend john comes over on christmas day every year as well, and this year it will be even more special and exciting because he graduates from Marine Corps boot camp on December 16th and will be home for christmas. so typically our holiday events consist of anywhere from 8-12 people.

so the holidays for the Zwier family tend to be very small, and typically we don’t decorate all that much. probably because we have such a small family, but i absolutely love the decorations and the holiday spirit. i just wish that my family shared my enthusiasm. only thing i can really hope for is that i have my own big family and that i make sure that my house is always extremely festive, whenever that may be. nonetheless, i love spending the time with my family and celebrating the holidays with them.

merry christmas and happy holidays everyone, make the best out of it. share the holiday spirit with everyone you come in contact with.

if you’ve known me for awhile you’ll know that i love sport fighting: boxing, mma, jiu jitsu, wrestling, etc. i absolutely love the competition aspect of it and it has literally changed my life. i’ve been training for about a year and a half on/off (mostly on). it has taught me honor, respect, discipline, and humility. i learned very quickly that there are a lot of people that can kick my ass, which was to my surprise at the time. nowadays, i walk around more confident in my abilities, but never to the point of excess, strictly confidence. i rest assured knowing that i can be the protector of anyone that’s with me at any given time.

after training for a little over a year, my dojo (gym) changed the structure of the classes and i opted to take the traditional route and enroll in JKD (Jeet Kune Do), which is Bruce Lee’s martial art. as (mostly) everyone knows, when you start a martial art you begin as a white belt. i literally wore my white belt EVERYWHERE when i got it. although i never earned it, i just payed my tuition and they gave it to me, it still put a sense of pride in myself knowing that i was following the path that i wanted. on the inside of my white belt, the part that sits right below my belly button i wrote 3 very simple words. words that everyone is told, most rarely do, but no one regrets.

months pass, and my sifu (instructor/coach) comes up to me with an offer. he tells me that on september 30th, himself, our teammate dan, and myself will all be fighting on the same night. this would be my very first mixed martial arts fight. my heart instantly started to rush, i could feel the blood pulsing through my body as i began to quiver. my mind was running faster than i ever thought it could, with thoughts of excitement, nervousness, and above all… terror. this would be it, the night that i had been looking forward to since i began training.

however, due to the timing of the fight which had also been leading right up to when my best friend (which you read about already) would be leaving for the marine corps. my priorities were in flux and i had a very hard time finding the balance, which no one would blame me for. i’m not saying this as an excuse, there are no excuses, i’m simply admitted that my mind was not where it should have been if i was going to fight.

here we are, fight day. moment i had been dreading. as the night went on and we inched closer to my debut, my heart would pound harder and harder. at times i would have to sit in the middle of the locker room, around all of these fighters trying to warm up for their fights, close my eyes and just breathe. i was able to block out everything except for my lungs and my heart. in the midst of all the thumps of the pads, the grunts of the punches, and the sighs of the defeated athletes, i found peace. until the promoter came back and said ‘zwier vs breshnahan, you’re on deck.’ i thought to myself “shit i’m next.”

the announcer screams my name to the crowd, my family and friends begin to cheer, hundreds of mouths that i’ve never heard begin to yell, and my music starts to play. lee greenwood so delicately sings “God Bless the USA” (in honor of my marine who couldn’t be there to experience this with me, due to boot camp). the crowd then sits in silence and respects the music, and then as the chorus hits they begin to sing along. now i’m standing inside the cage waiting for my opponent to step in front of me with the mere intention on pounding my face in. in this moment, peace was nowhere to be found.

the bell rings, we bounce around and exchange punches and kicks. after a failed takedown attempt, we’re back to our feet. next thing i know, i’m waking up with the doctor walking towards me. i had been knocked out in 47 seconds. i leave the cage on wobbly legs, hanging my head in defeat, my friends and family telling me that i did great, but i didn’t want to hear that, nor did i want to believe them. i mean, cmon, i got KNOCKED OUT in FORTY SEVEN seconds.

after an hour of being disappointed in myself, i thought back upon my journey. a year and a half ago, i was just beginning; terrified of being paired up in class with the guy who i thought was so much better than me; terrified of being hit that i would back out of every exchange without even beginning an attack; terrified of every single submission that could potentially break a limb or leave me unconscious on the floor gasping for air. there i was leaving the cage. although i lost that fight, i won the battle inside of myself. i did exactly what i set out to do over 18 months ago. i followed those 3 words that are written on my white belt. for that, there is no defeat. only success.

chase your dreams.

Well, summer is officially over for me. Every year, my summer typical lasts until Labor Day weekend, which is when the beach closes for the season. Sometimes we all get together to camp, but its usually only good in theory. No one ever follows through after Labor Day. Which is acceptable because we all are busy with school, whether we live at home or away.

Its a sad ending to a great time. This summer included so many different things. I experienced new highs and new lows, done things I’ve never done before, and done things I’ll never do again. All of which have combined themselves to turn out to be an amazing summer. Meeting new people, going to different places for no reason, road trips, late nights, bonfires, long walks, college visits, turning acquaintances into friends, and friends into best friends. I’ve learned so much about myself and the people around me over the last 3 months and I could not be happier.

Without a doubt, I spent my summer at my favorite place with my favorite people. I don’t care who you ask, it doesn’t get any better than that.

With all this being said, I simply can not wait for next summer. However, until then I will glady enjoy my jeans and sweatshirts.

you have always been my neighbor, my best friend, and my brother. we met when i was like 9 or 10 through elwood baseball. we were the studs of the team. it wasn’t until about a year later that we realized that we lived right around the block from each other. ever since then it was always me and you everyday. we were inseparable. every day was a new adventure, whether we rode bikes all around town or met up with everyone else and chilled at the park or played sports. that was probably the best summer of my life. no summer will ever compare to then. the best memories of my life happened then. all the ding dong ditching, the pool parties at your house, running through the corn field. remember when we ding dong ditched the guy on my street? and he set his dogs out after us? remember when we ran from kaitlyn lake? all around the hill and cornfield? remember when nick screamed “fuck niggers” into your house when your dad was home?

after that, high school came around. you were a freshman and i was a junior. you had to take the early bus into school everyday, sucka. but every bus ride and on SIP days, we shared and seat and always listened to my ipod. my junior year i would always ditch class and come have lunch with you guys in 5A, and i never got caught either. then my senior year/your sophomore year we had lunch scheduled together, so i didn’t have to ditch anymore. this was also the year that you started driving to school. you had the busted broke to shit blazer and you always wanted to race me in my grand prix nascar edition, idiot. ever since we were able to drive, we’ve been lazy as shit. you’re house never seemed so far when we would walk everyday, but now that we can drive… it seems like it’s miles away. anywho, this was also the year that you had your girlfriend. this started some rough times between us, but we always got through it and we always knew we were there for each other. remember on the bus when we had the paper ball war? and you were so pissed that every time you got hit you would throw it out the window immediately? remember when we went to the wilderness? met aly and karlee? kept running into orangey? that nerdy guy that asked a stupid question and talked to her for like an hour? that coulda been us.

your junior year we drifted a little bit more. you were busy with sports and made joliet friends and i had a girlfriend. we didn’t hang out much, but when we did we had a blast. i never knew how fun doing simple things was. i never had so much fun just sitting around eating smarties, drinking mtn dew, and playing halo was. your senior year was kind of the same song and dance. until we both didn’t have girlfriends, then we got back together a lot more often. we took MMA for a month and you got that ugly ass skin infection. we were always on the prowl lookin for hot women. we both broke up with our girlfriends around the same time and we were there for each other when things got rough, just like we always had been for the 5 years before. some things will never change. remember when we walked up to the halloween bonfire for like 5 seconds just to walk straight back to my house and play halo?

now this is when the story gets good. after your graduation (which i went to) we had a great summer. we did so many things, most of it just random shit to keep us entertained. long ass bike rides, going for runs, playing the truck driver game, playing tennis, chillin at the beach, having swimming contests in the lake (which i won), and having sleepovers. your graduation party was a lot of fun as well, beastin in washers, swimmin in the pool, killing ourselves on the redneck slip-n-slide, and chillin with the drunk kids. remember when we went and got your dogtags? how i promised you i wouldn’t take them off the entire time you’re in boot camp? well, i plan on keeping that promise. the only time i’ll have to take them off is for training and for my fight.it sucks that you’re gonna miss my first fight, but it gives me that extra motivation. i’m going to beat the shit out of this guy for you. but, this is the least of my concerns right now. you found out you have an earlier ship date. to be honest, this fucking sucks. i’m already upset that everyone left to go back to school and i was looking forward to spending these next two months chillin with you before you leave but it looks like that can’t happen.

theres one part of your party i dont think i’ll ever forget. as i was leaving, i gave your drunk ass a bro-hug, and you told me “im gonna miss you the most bro.” you know i hate being called bro, but under the circumstances i’ll accept it. you said it with a tear in your eye, and i was fighting back one in mine. besides your family, i hope you know that i am going to miss you the most out of anyone else, and i mean that. i’m going to write you every day.

i wish you the best of luck, sir. you’re my brother and i have nothing but respect for you. i will always have your back and i will always be here when you need me. i’m sorry for anything and everything that has ever gotten between us. i’m sorry for being so bitter about your decision to enlist. truth is, i was terrified of losing my best friend and i still am. i love you john.

Ill tell you why im mad. If you haven’t noticed, I was basically head over heels for you when we first started talking. Complimented you all the time, didnt care what we did as long as we were with eachother. I had it bad. Butterflies and everything. How did you react? You put me straight into the friend zone and I listened to your problems with your ex and everything. I didn’t really mind bc I was still hoping you’d notice me.

But it got old. Yknow, being pushed to the side repeatedly for the next (or same) douchebag to break your heart over and over again. Then id hear you say that you wish there were good guys out there that didn’t just want you for your body. Completely overlooking me. You can say that I got frustrated. You obviously didn’t see (or want) what I was offering… which was everything. So I gave up. I decided that id give you what you wanted and that was to be your “best friend.”

But idk if I can even give you that. Basically because im still bitter. Im a very bitter person, but you knew that. You know me. I don’t want to hear about other guys, especially a certain one, and im going to be mean to you if you keep talking about him or doing anything with him. That wont change. That’s not a good best friend.

I can’t be around you all the time. I have other friends, plans, work, working out, training, and camping. Things arent the same since I was “infatuated” with you I guess you can say. That’s not your fault, things are just different. But you still want me to be around and hang out with you everyday like we used to, and I just can’t. I need space, I need free time, and I need time to myself. That’s not a good best friend.

Now that I’ve became comfortable in the “best friend” position, it seems like you want me to want you now. Is that fair? Now I understand that I probably did some things that I shouldn’t have and made you think things that shouldn’t have been thought, that was my mistake. However, don’t try to make me look like the bad guy here. You can only chase for so long until you get tired of running.

Don’t place your expectations on me because I can’t take it. I can’t be what you want me to be. We fight with eachother a lot more now. Whys that? Is it because we both have some sort of hidden resentment toward eachother? If that’s the case, mine isn’t really hidden anymore. Take me or leave me.

I cant give you alot of things, but what I can give you is my best. My best effort to be there for you when you need me, to listen about your day, to hang out with you when I can, have a good time, and care about you. Idk if that is enough, but its all I have. Im sorry.

I know you’ll want to talk about this, but I wont. So don’t bring it up.